Not infrequently, we get legal gibberish on our ticketing platform from providers who are upset that someone said something negative about them, either here or on LowEndTalk.

The story is usually that someone posted a negative review, and now the provider is rattling legal sabers with dire threats unless the content is taken down.

Occasionally – and I do mean occasionally – the comments in question are the result of the reviewer who didn’t get what they want and is now trying to smear a provider.  That happens…occasionally.  And in such cases, where the full ticket history is shown and the reviewer is exposed as dishonest, the comments are deindexed.

But far more common is a provider who fails to provide the service they promise, scams people, barks at tickets, or is otherwise a bad company to do business with.  Our readers post and say “ExampleHost is awful, avoid them!” and sometimes ExampleHost will then threaten lawsuits.

Here’s an example we received this wek:

This correspondence shall constitute a formal request for action under applicable data protection and privacy regulations, including Regulation EU 2016/679 GDPR, as well as any other applicable international privacy and data processing frameworks.

First, we formally request the immediate removal of any and all tags, badges, labels, titles, affiliations, identifiers, or designations associated with ExampleHost, including any direct or indirect references implying endorsement, participation, sponsorship, partnership, or continuing association with your platform or services.

In addition, we hereby request the anonymization of all content related, referring, associated, connected, or otherwise attributable to ExampleHost, including but not limited to:

• Posts, discussions, threads, comments, replies, quotations, mentions, and user-generated content;
• Metadata, account identifiers, profile references, provider tags, badges, historical associations, and archived materials;
• Cached copies, indexed records, previews, snippets, and search engine references under your control or influence;
• Media, screenshots, attachments, logs, and any derivative or replicated content connected to ExampleHost;
• Any content that directly or indirectly identifies ExampleHost, its representatives, management, staff, business operations, or commercial activities.

Where anonymization is not technically possible, reasonably achievable, or sufficient to prevent identification or association with ExampleHost, we alternatively request the complete and irreversible deletion of such content and related data from all publicly accessible areas, internal systems, databases, backups where feasible, indexing systems, CDN caches, and any third-party processors or subprocessors acting on your behalf.

This request is made pursuant to the principles established under the GDPR…

(a long list of regulation citations follows).

Here’s another:

Among the primary contents of concern is the following article published on LowEndBox: (url removed)

In our view, the title itself, together with portions of the editorial framing and subsequent discussion generated around the publication, presents our company in a highly prejudicial and sensationalized manner that exceeds neutral reporting and contributes to reputational damage.

In particular, we have observed that a LowEndTalk administrator operating under the username “raindog308” has, on multiple occasions and in our opinion, contributed to escalating the controversy surrounding the matter rather than maintaining the impartiality, neutrality, and balanced moderation standards that would ordinarily be expected from an administrator or representative of a public discussion platform.

We further note that numerous comments published by users within the relevant discussions contain accusations, assumptions, or statements presented as factual despite lacking any judicial determination or verified evidentiary basis. Certain comments appear openly accusatory and potentially defamatory in nature.

Sometimes the threats are more subtle:

I understand Lowendtalk is a community, so I don’t want to limit the discussion — I believe the discussion is important and the Courts will decide from there, which is the avenue we are going for with our litigation counsel in Canada and the US.

A lot of times, the language used is comical.  Remember when you were in fifth grade and you wanted to sound “official”?  That’s how a lot of it comes across.  These people aren’t truly hiring lawyers to talk to us.  You’d think by now, AI would have caught up and people could use that to generate threatening letters, but instead they try to write it themselves and end up with malapropism-laden nonsense.

Here on the Friday before Memorial Day, I’ve written a form letter that all of you LowEndLawyers can use if you ever need to contact us.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

This letter is being written under full legal protestation and pursuant to my rights under applicable statue laws, ordinances, and common law.

It has come to my attention, by way of electronic evidentiary observation, that a post on LowEndTalk contains numerous defamatory implications, insinuendos, slander-libel hybrids, and character assassinations against myself and/or my associated business enterprise, hereinafter referred to as “The Aggrieved Party of the First Part.”

You are hereby demanded to remove, delete, vanish, redact, expunge, and otherwise de-exist said post from the entirety of LowEndTalk, LowEndBox, the Internet, Google cache, Bing cache, Yahoo cache if still applicable, and any other worldwide cybernetic repositories.

Failure to comply within 24 business minutes shall result in the immediate commencification of legal proceedings including, but not limited to subpoena duces, tortious interference lawsuits, and notifications to the Better Business Bureau.

Please be advised that screenshots have been taken and are now considered notarized because I printed them out and highlighted them in yellow. These documents will be presented as prima facsimile evidence in any tribuneral or arbitrationary venue.

This is your final warning before I escalate this matter to the highest levels of jurisprudence.

raindog308

raindog308 is a longtime community LETizen, technical writer, and self-described techno polymath. With deep roots in the *nix world, he has a passion for systems both modern and vintage, ranging from Unix, Perl, Python, and Golang to shell scripting and mainframe-era operating systems like MVS. He’s equally comfortable with relational database systems, having spent years working with Oracle, PostgreSQL, and MySQL.

As an avid user of LowEndBox providers, raindog308 runs an empire of LEBs, from tiny boxes for VPNs, to mid-sized instances for application hosting, and heavyweight servers for data storage and complex databases. He brings both technical rigor and real-world experience to every piece he writes.

Beyond the command line, raindog308 has a life-long love of German Shepherd Dogs, high-quality knives, target shooting, theology, tabletop RPGs, playing guitar, and hiking in deep, quiet forests.

His goal with every article is to help users, from beginners to seasoned sysadmins, get more value, performance, and enjoyment out of their infrastructure.

You can find him daily in the forums at LowEndTalk under the handle @raindog308.